Parent Guide

What’s Included: 

Reflections for you to think about

Science for you to enjoy 

Strategies for you to try

Topics

1. Intentional Play

2. Confidence

3. Grit: Leaning into Discomfort

4. How to Listen

5. Learn Loops (not curves) 

1. Intentional Play

Meet Brandon Payne, an otherwise unknown college basketball player who never made it big. In 2009, Brandon set up a training center for basketball players. One day, he crossed paths with a young NBA player whose weaknesses had been readily apparent to scouts. One wrote that he was “extremely limited by his poor physical tools. He doesn’t have the size, strength, or the lateral quickness/athleticism. He probably is never going to end up being a star in the league because of a lack of explosiveness.”

That player was Stephen Curry. Through workouts that incorporated deliberate play, Curry elevated his game to become one of best shooters in history. To make practice fun while building technical skills, Brandon created a menu of deliberate play activities.

In 21, you get a minute to score 21 points with 3 pointers, jump shots and layups but after each shot you have to sprint to the middle of the court and back.

Through play we can learn things ten times more efficiently and effectively. And it keeps the blues away. I strongly encourage playing games with your athlete at home. 5 minutes a day goes a long way. 

Reflection: Think of an activity you played that when you played you lost track of time. What was it? How did you feel while participating in that activity? 

Strategy: Special Play Time/Connection Time (you can call it whatever you want). If you can do 10-15 minutes that's great! If you can only get in 5 that’s ok too. Your kid gets to pick the activity, the rules and how to play (within the safety boundaries of your household). They get to decide what the activity is and they are in charge. No phones, when the timer goes off, it is time to move on. 

2. Confidence

Confidence comes from experience. Unfortunately, it has nothing to do with what we say to our athletes. We can praise them until we are blue in the face and it won’t build their confidence. When we are facing a daunting task, how we interpret the obstacles in front of us will determine if we back down or rise to the occasion. 

One of the ways we can help our athletes feel confident is by having them teach what they are learning. It is called the Tutor effect. Those who can’t do yet, can learn by teaching. The historian Henry Adams became an expert in medieval history by teaching a class on it. The painter Georgia O’Keeffe honed her techniques of abstraction in charcoal and watercolor as she taught art classes. The physicist John Preskill learned quantum computing by signing up to deliver a course in it. 

Reflection: Think about a time you had to teach something to someone. What went well? What were some challenges to teaching? 

Strategy: Have your athlete teach you something, anything. You could help them create an instructional video- have fun with it! Get in their world and don’t be afraid of how you look. 

3. Grit: Leaning into Discomfort

“If you’re comfortable, you’re doin’ it wrong.” - Ted Lasso

If we avoid the discomfort of learning techniques that don’t come easily to us, we limit our own growth. In a clever experiment, psychologists Kaitlin Woolley and Ayelet Fishbach studied hundreds of people taking improv comedy classes and randomly assigned them to focus on different goals. The ones who had been advised to intentionally pursue discomfort were the ones who persisted the longest. If people see discomfort as a mark of growth they are motivated to stretch beyond their comfort zones. When discomfort is a signal of progress, you don’t want to run away from it. You want to keep stumbling toward it to continue growing. 

Reflection: Think of a time when you made a mistake. What did you learn? How did you handle it afterwards?  

Strategy: Allow your kid to make mistakes and repeat this phrase after games: “I enjoyed watching you play.” or “I saw that _______ was challenging for you and you didn’t give up.” And model mistake making: At dinner time, you can reflect on mistakes you made during the day and what they taught you- could be called “meal time confessions” (a new tradition). 

4. Listening- We have two ears and only one mouth. 

Reflection: Think of the person you enjoy talking to the most about difficult things. What qualities about them make them easy to talk to? 

Strategy: When we try to fix or come up with solutions the message we are sending is - you can’t handle it. And I know you don’t want to send that message. So practice with your athlete not trying to make them feel any differently than how they are feeling. Validate the feeling. No need to challenge the thoughts or comments when emotions are high. Validation looks like this: 

“That is really hard to feel. I’m sorry you are feeling that way” 

“Thank you for telling me that.” 

“Tell me more about….” 

Sports give us the opportunity to experience a range of emotions with minimal risk. In five years, your child will not remember the play or the game but they will remember feeling validated and safe to express their emotions. Lessons can be learned when our emotions are in a neutral place. Lessons don’t need to be learned in the very moment the emotion is high- in fact they can’t be. The brain is not in a learning state when our emotions are in control. 

5. Learning Loops- not curves 

How we thinking learning happens: Start low and go high.

How learning actually happens: 

Psychologists call this cycle learned industriousness. When a person gets praised for making an effort, the feeling of effort itself starts to take on secondary reward properties. Instead of having to push oneself to keep trying, they feel pulled toward it. A person doesn’t need to get comfortable before practicing skills. The comfort grows as they practice the skills. 

Reflection: Think about learning something new for the very first time. What were some of the feelings you had when you faced obstacles? Who supported you and how did they support you? Reflect on a time when you had to teach something to others.

Strategy: You can try something new for the first time and share the experience with your athlete. Try a new hobby or activity alongside your athlete. You can also create a brag book for your athlete and write in it everything you thought they did well that game/week/day and they can look at it whenever they want. 

Resources: 

These books have incredible amounts of info. Their authors also have Instagram so you could follow them and get more helpful tips! 

1. Hidden Potential: The Science of Achieving Greater Things by Adam Grant

2. Good Inside By Becky Kennedy 

3. Mindset by Carol Dweck